Fitting in vs belonging.
Have you ever thought about the difference between the two of those?
Because they are very, very different.
I see “best fit” used as a hiring criteria fairly frequently.
I hate it.
Because I see it as a way to capitulate to patriarchies, to tribal organizational culture.
I find myself in an odd situation these days. Historically I have felt hurt for myself when there was a perceived rejection of myself vs the “collective norm”. But lately, given obvious professional circumstances, I feel it for others rather than myself.
Honestly, life was easier when the only person I had to be concerned about was myself.
Now I put myself last.
OK, so I have probably arguably always put myself last even when I was the only person to worry about, but I’m an imposter, a fraud, you know…a former academic…goes with the territory. To be fair I’ve never thought I was good enough at anything. But that’s another book. Sometimes I think I’ve got some thick enough skin that I can absorb the hurt, but at this time of year those wounds sometimes start to fester. More an issue of end of year regrets/collective wounds than anything else.
But now I have to put a group of other people, and their needs, ahead of my own.
And it hurts me far more deeply when a petty collective seemingly rejects amazing individuals because they are not conformists, or part of “their collective”. I am angry for the people passively aggressively rejected. I also think that they demonstrated a level of diplomacy and professionalism that I don’t think I could have managed if I were not so long into the system.
A group had a big event and excluded the few in proximity who were not a part of that limited collective within the larger collective.
And then the excluded subgroup organized an event and (kinder and more generous that I would have been given past exclusions) invited the larger collective that had excluded them. And the larger exclusive ‘club’ didn’t even have the decency to respond, and not one showed up to participate or show interest in the extended team.
Unimpressed. That’s what I am.
Weirdly, it reminded me of the Christmas movie, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys.
To me, the misfits in this world are the ones who have the brilliant ideas, move things forward, and bring positive change.
Maybe I’m a misfit.
Bugger, of course I am a misfit, I have always been misfit.
Does that make me expendable, less useful, less effective?
Does it mean that I don’t have value because I don’t board the bandwagon and agree based on the loudest and most persuasive voice?
Depends on what day you ask me and how many times I’ve been beaten up.
But, generally speaking, no.
Being a misfit is a positive thing.
Misfits bring new ideas.
Misfits challenge old ideas.
Misfits ask uncomfortable questions and point out uncomfortable truths.
But being a misfit can suck.
And it can hurt.
And it can be so very, very, exhausting.
However, misfits can change the world in ways that a collective echo chamber never will.
I applaud being a misfit.
And do you know what the most amazing thing is?
Bringing a group of people together and nudging them towards seeing themselves as strong when they are together, that they are respected when they are working as a team.
That individually they have isolated strength and knowledge, but that together…..collectively…. they are so very formidable.
And watching them have fun and build their own, smaller, and perhaps stronger, collective…built on mutual acceptance rather than expected conformity!
And that I have so much respect and admiration for each of them, individually, and collectively, compared to the weakness of those that whisper to each other that they are better.
Today I worked from my old office, and I was unimpressed with some behaviours that were juvenile and so….high school’ish. A week ago I might have been crippled by a sense of rejection at some who didn’t even say hello. But today I saw that lack of regard as a weakness in the face of some embarrassment for recent behaviours. Not only didn’t those people make any effort to interact with me, but they stuck to their little group and barely acknowledged the other teams there.
I got hugs and appreciation from the people that truly matter, in-house and from adjacent.
And I was ignored by the people who want to matter more than others.
It’s strange, but having not been one of “the cool kids” in elementary/high school can be a weird strength when you encounter adult bullies in the professional world. Kinda like ‘yeah, been here, seen/felt that, so I know how to support the people who are on the receiving end and all I can do is try to make sure they know how amazing they are.
There really are things that I hate about this time of year…..particularly how cruel some people can be to others.
Sometimes I am happier being on the outside looking in, because “in” is not always “cool”.
A fabulously intelligent and amazing person reminded me yesterday that “Being right is not as important as doing right”. (Thanx EB)
Regardless, if you are a misfit…own it!
Do you really want to be another bland carbon copy? Or do you want to be a disruptor?
I will always vote to disrupt the status quo.
To hell with being comfortable.
Awkward is beautiful 🙃
And, at the end of this…do you know what else I realize?
That the petty behaviour is just as easily explained by recognition that others are doing more amazing and meaningful work.
Again…awkward can be beautiful because awkward can change the status quo and move things in a new and positive direction.
It’s been a difficult couple of weeks, but I think I am coming out the other side. Maybe only because tomorrow is my last day before a couple of weeks of downtime….or maybe it’s because I had a healthy dose of the really great people I work directly with and adjacent to, both in person and virtually, today.
Rambling at the end of an exhausting month. That’s all I am doing.
