I took this photo some time ago, back in early spring, and just never posted it. Maybe it was nothing and I’d just flipped that card over in a journaling prompt deck and it struck a chord. And maybe I just never posted it because I thought people might think I was in “a place”. I don’t remember exactly what was going on then, I hadn’t yet started this half-a-365 so don’t have a clear photo journal in place for the first half of the year. I looked back and the day I took this photo was the day I came home to find the gift of a small portrait of Gizmo painted on a flat stone, from the avian veterinarian. Maybe that played a role? Sure, I know I shed some tears that afternoon, but that wouldn’t have prompted an image like this that is more suggestive of depression than grief associated with loss.
The one hand reaches out and seems to offer support for mental health and well being, and the other hand reaches around behind and snatches them all away by undermining the very same. I used to believe so deeply in something and now….not so much.
I’ve had a week of frustration, and it’s only Monday.
Well, that’s not entirely true, I’ve been frustrated and angry for over a week and I had managed to keep it pretty well bottled up, but it got loose late in the afternoon today. Now that familiar chronic pain is creeping in again, as a result of unconsciously clenching the muscles across my ribcage and in my arms and legs.
Good times.
I just kinda feel drained of the things that I used to recognize in myself. Who am I now? What is my purpose? What function do I serve anymore? Existential crisis? Maybe. Sort of feels like one.
When I came home, mentally exhausted, emotionally drained, and with zero interest in picking up a camera, and a few tears leaking from my eyes, Kirk encouraged me to not beat myself up over it and suggested using something already taken. So I went looking for any images I’d put into a folder for later use, and this photo is what I came across as the only thing languishing in that folder.
Weirdly appropriate for how I feel today.
I sort of feel like I did post it, but I can’t find it on Flickr or this blog, though I admit to only halfheartedly searching so maybe it’s a repeat. Or maybe it’s not. I don’t have the mental energy to look harder.
This journal prompt card stems from a quote by Alain de Botton. He is the co-founder of The School of Life, an organization that publishes some interesting books, has a website with a lot of very interesting articles on many topics, and published the little deck of journal prompt cards from which this particular one was flipped out. Their mission is derived from psychology, psychotherapy, philosophy, art and culture.
Enduring loneliness is almost invariably better than suffering the compromises of false community. Loneliness is simply a price we may have to pay for holding on to a sincere, ambitious view of what companionship must and could be. ~ Alain de Botton
Loneliness is a funny thing and different people experience it differently. To some people, loneliness is experienced when they are, well, alone. Isolated from other people physically. I can be lonely in the middle of a crowd; isolated from other people not physically, but mentally.
And community, what does that mean, what does it look like?
I think community is a sense of belonging, the ties that connect people and make them feel like a part of something bigger. A group of people where there’s effective communication, a high level of trust, good cooperation, and, most importantly: a shared sense of purpose.
Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued. ~ Brené Brown (Daring Greatly)
Maybe what I am sensing is a lack of community, a lack of belonging, not just for myself but for some others as well, because there is more emphasis on ‘fitting in’ or adhering to a prescribed mould than there is emphasis on productivity or ethics in this world of late. If someone has a little crumb of happiness in their work then the organization is determined to vacuum it up.
Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are. ~ Brené Brown (The Gifts of Imperfection)
I looked up false community and came up with “False community is the illusion of community without taking shared risks and so being subject to the same constraints, and pressures to agree” and another that said “False community is the use of government compulsion to force people to agree with them or face punishment“.
That second one feels a bit too close to home today.
We can put the chairs in a circle, but as long as they are occupied by people who have an inner hierarchy, the circle itself will have a divided life, one more form of “living within the lie”: a false community. ~ Parker J. Palmer (A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life)
I was beating myself up for not running, again, and my watch just beeped at me and told me I had a demanding day…..yeah, thanks Garmin, I had no idea. That one totally slipped past my radar.
An interesting read to round this out though – The Future of Mental Health at Work Is Safety, Community, and a Healthy Organizational Culture
That’s probably enough emotional exploration for today.
