Are you a get-shit-done type of person who keeps getting things piled on you because you keep saying yes because you are worried about missing out on something/letting someone down/think you can do it all/or think you can do it better than everyone else?
Maybe you can do it better than everyone else, but you probably can’t do it all, or do it all all of all the time.
Are you always saying yes to meetings and have an impossible calendar that leaves you working at night so you can actually get some work done?
Are you on too many volunteer committees because others perceive you as being able to juggle it all?
Then you should read this book…..it’s amusing, and it’s also filled with really sound advice wrapped up in a solid dose of sarcasm that makes it a witty and engaging read.
I did not expect it to be a good read when I picked it up, but a few page flips and I was chuckling in the store and left with it in my hands, and it hasn’t disappointed.
I’ve always been a get-shit-done person, but eventually everyone reaches a breaking point I think. I’ve realized that not saying no just leads to quiet resentment and that doesn’t help anyone or anything. I mean, if you’re frustrated and expect others to read your mind or your body language, if you expect that others will recognize your frustration or resentment without ever articulating to them what you’re frustrated or upset or hurt over, then get a reality check….then it’s “like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die” (Buddha). You’re the only one whose blood pressure and stress levels are rising.
It took me a long time to realize that, and I’m still not very good at articulating when I am pissed off about something, but I’m working on it and I’m grateful to have a manager that actually “wants to know” when I’m angry about something so we can figure it out or at least have the argument openly and know where each other stands.
I’m starting to become a bit more selective about my meeting acceptances, and a bit more judicious about the things I am willing to agree to for myself and the people I work directly with. I’m tired of a system that takes and takes and takes from people, and eventually breaks them.
Women are particularly prone to “doing it all” and then, when they start to be unable to do it all, they feel like they have failed. They haven’t.
People ask for a favour, a bit of help, some advice. Then another person does the same, and then another. And she gets a reputation for being helpful and knowledgable…until she feels like she is doing everything equally shittily, and eventually she says no to someone, and they then think she’s being unhelpful to them and feel resentful of her. And she feels badly, and she beats herself up, and works three times harder to meet the needs and fill the gaps, instead of saying no, letting the system break a bit, and forcing the system to do something other than siphon off every last ounce of her.
Does any of that sound familiar?
“No” is a complete sentence.
We all need to learn that.
It feels awkward and uncomfortable, and we need to become better at being OK with that feeling. Let someone look at you and what for the long explanation that isn’t forthcoming. We need to get better as having awkward pauses.
A while ago, when I was attempting conflict resolution to try to find a way to work with someone (spoiler alert, it failed but at least we made an attempt), the conflict manager told me that I needed to learn to just say no, without a long explanation. That my emails that said “I’m sorry I can’t because…” only served to provide the requestor a challenge to solve the reasons I couldn’t help them so that I could end up doing what they wanted me to do. She said, “It’s OK to just say no, and if that doesn’t feel right, then be short and a bit vague, and then. Just. Stop. Talking/Writing.”
I looked back at the correspondence whenever I was trying to decline something and realized that I was, indeed, over-explaining and trying to soften things whenever I said no. I didn’t want to appear unhelpful, or obstructive, or difficult. But when we make ourselves too helpful, the line of people with their proverbial hand out becomes longer than we can manage.
I still do it in a lot of cases, usually because I care about the person, but recognizing the behaviour is definitely useful when trying to draw some boundaries.
And I have learned this…when you say “No, I’m sorry that won’t work for me” the world doesn’t end. The sky doesn’t fall. And the other party usually (more often than not) accepts the response.
Shocking, but I don’t know why.
Obviously there are times when you cannot say no, or when an explanation is required. “You have to do your job” “No” “Why not” “I don’t have to answer that” That clearly isn’t going to lead to your continued employment under most circumstances…. and if you can’t be fired for some reason, your life is probably going to become less than pleasant, unless you are a type who thrives on conflict.
Anyway, it’s a fun, and useful, little book, at least if you struggle with saying “No”..
Day 186