Going back to work after any loss is always hard. I know this only too well after what just feels like a long string of losses over the past decade.
You know you look like crap because you spent the long weekend alternating between tears and and quiet denial.
Staring at the huge empty cage in the corner magnifies the emptiness.
You need to get away from the house because it’s too quiet, but you don’t really want to interact with people because you don’t want to have the conversation.
“Hey, you ok?”
“Well no, not really”
“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry to hear about…….”
That one is always the worst.
….and so on.
It’s awkward, and uncomfortable, and you just don’t want to fall apart in front of someone, because then it’s even more awkward and uncomfortable.
I’m grateful to have two places to work from, and to be able to choose the less “people’y” one today because it’s an emotionally …’safer’…space when feeling waves of grief that are unpredictable.
Work is a distraction, for the most part.
It’s hard that life just ticks back to normal for everything and everyone around you, but it’s anything but normal inside your heart.
You feel disjointed, disconnected.
It’s funny that a safe place to work this week probably doesn’t look all that safe to some people though….an office on a river immediately below a dam.
I can’t quite put my finger on ‘why’ I feel more comfortable down here than at the office downtown, particularly when I am not in an upbeat mood, but I always have.
I appreciate the people that work here. Maybe it’s just that I feel like I can just be “me” here, without any pretences or unrealistic expectations. I can be productive while kind of hiding out.
It’s a good place to work under any circumstances, but particularly so while working through things.
