….is when I stop.
Seriously though, 18 months ago I was huffing (while simply walking) my way up a relatively easy incline on a paved road….and I pulled a calf muscle. I could barely walk for a week, and it took another two weeks before it finally felt better. During those three weeks I realized that I had fallen far, far, down the fitness scale since taking a largely office based job. My body couldn’t walk up an easy hill without complaining, my clothing sizes had increased, and now I could injure myself simply by walking?
I refused to accept that this was what aging had to mean.
And, so, I decided to do something about it.
I decided to start running.
I’d tried before, with the Running Room, by registering for a running clinic. It didn’t work for me. I hated running with other people because all I did was compare myself to them, or rather, to the ones who were ahead of me. And, instead of using them as inspiration, all I could do was beat myself up for not being able to keep up. I convinced myself I was useless, a failure at something as easy as a “Learn to run” clinic.
And so I quit. I told myself that I couldn’t run anymore, that I was too old, that my knees were too bad, and any other number of self defeating internal commentary that you can think of.
Until I pulled a calf muscle walking up a paved road.
And so I put an interval running app on my watch, and went out, alone, with no one to compete against except myself.
I still beat myself up, told myself I sucked at it. But I stuck with it.
At the start, I was running 30 seconds and then walking two minutes. Repeating that a half dozen times. The running duration gradually increased, and the walking decreased. My goal was to run 5 minutes non-stop. Then 10 minutes.
Ultimately I just wanted to be able to run for 20 minute without stopping or dying.
A year and a half later I can, pretty consistently, run for 5-7 km, more often than not without pausing or walking. You never could have convinced me I’d be able to do that.
Some people say that they love running, that it’s meditative for them.
I think those people are mentally deranged psychopaths, either that or they are just delusional…..telling themselves that they like it to convince themselves to keep going. I have to believe that because…
I don’t.
Like it that is.
I never did it with any goal beyond getting my legs back under me. I certainly didn’t think I was going to lose 40lbs (give or take two pounds depending on de/hydration level) and 5 inches around my hips, waist, and chest.
People say running is cheap exercise.
Not when you lose that much weight it isn’t…..let me tell you…a new wardrobe and new motorcycle leathers do not make for a cheap form of exercise. At least it’s stopped…..and….I can tell you that the cost to replace so much is a damned good incentive to stick with it.
But meditative?
No. Not for me anyway.
I’m a thinker. And I already knew that walking was a good way to think things through and get my brain working on problems. I learned that from my graduate supervisor. But combine a trail, a thinky brain, and about five years worth of pent up anger at an unsatisfactory workplace situation and I realized that there are some unhealthy aspects to running. During COVID people said that getting outdoors and exercising was good for mental health. But I found that when I came back from a run (or a hike) I was just hot, sweaty, and angrier…. Sometimes I’d be so angry on the run I’d end up crying in rage at another demoralizing or devaluing encounter.
A friend commiserated and she referred to it as “Rage Running”…being familiar with it herself.
And so, on two fronts, I can say that the best part of any run, for me, is when it’s over. Firstly because the isolated thinking ends, and secondly, with or without the angry running part….my body seems so relieved that I have stopped punishing it for the day.
I am hoping the rage running will end, it’s already tapered off because a shift is ahead. As of tomorrow I have a change at work, one that will improve my mental health by a lot by removing one source of stress to a large extent…..there are still some significant stresses and things will be differently difficult, but I am also looking forward and making alternative future plans in case things do not go in a direction that I need them to. The coming change may be too little and too late. But the anger is subsiding, I am sleeping better, and I am feeling a bit more hopeful and happy about the future…whichever path I choose to take.
When I started running I was worried that I might not stick with it for long…and when the weight started to come off, motivating me to continue, I was worried that I’d quit when I acheived a weight goal. Because I’m one of those slightly obsessive people….I stick with something like glue until one day my brain just switches off and I lose interest. It doesn’t wane slowly…it’s just…”meh, I’m done“
But this seems to have become a bit of a habit. I’m not quite as regimented as I was last year…I fell off a bit over winter where the three times a week thing is concerned, but I’ve managed to complete at least one run every week, and usually two. But it does get harder att certain times of the year when work makes it challenging…..like when I go to Bella Coola…..I can’t help but be a bit wigged out about running alone where grizzly bears are….kinda everywhere.
Do I regret running?
Absolutely not, because I think I’m probably back into the best shape that I’ve been in for 15 or more years, and that’s been worth it.
I am also more confident on my motorcycle than I have been in a few years, and that’s also been a major win. I have felt more in tune with the bike this year, like I am stronger and more in control of it. I’m riding better.
I am also not hiding under loose clothes anymore….well…today I am because it’s going to be 30C.
And I look down at my feet, which hurt so badly two years ago that I could barely walk for the first few steps because I’d developed plantar fasciitis from being at home and not wearing shoes for those first six months of COVID, and I think….”wow, how far you have carried me….and I am amazed that running made you stop hurting…and that considering that I wrecked your knees when I was 17 and crashed on the ski hill, you have agreed to do this thing…with minimal complaint“.
And I also look at my legs and think two things….”Well done, thank you for being up to the challenge and for carrying me so far….” and “Not bad for your age….not bad at all….“
And so I keep on keeping on.