Time (208/365)

4

July 27, 2015 – Time, there is never enough, is there 🙁

Why is there so little?

Heartfelt thanks for all the messages yesterday and today. Understandably, I wasn’t feeling chatty, still am not.

Today was tough, not much sleep last night. I was out in the field for a site visit today, can’t imagine what the fellow I was meeting must have thought, I looked dreadful, bags under my eyes, the aftermath of me crying is not lovely, I am not pretty when I cry. But it occupied me for most of the day at least. Opted to work from home for the remainder of the afternoon. As I arrived home, a co-worker pulled into my driveway behind me with flowers and a card. We shared a cup of tea and lamented the short lives that have such a heartwarming, and heartbreaking, impact on our own lives. It’s not fair. Yet we keep doing it to ourselves. I don’t know that I can stand this.

Spoke briefly with the vet late this afternoon, authorized another expensive test, hopefully on the blood they already have or Loki will have to go in for another sample draw. Not knowing exactly what we are facing a good outcome could be a few years, but the precipitous drop in red blood cells could mean that the situation is acute and the timeline could be as short as three months, or weeks :`(

The logical side of my brain and the scientist in me knows and understands what is going on. The emotional side is asking all the unanswerable questions: “Why?” “What if we’d done something…anything…differently?” “Did we miss something?” “What if we had made an earlier vet appointment?”

Too many things to think about.

He looks and acts completely normal, but given how fast he’s losing red cells, that could change overnight. I’m hypersensitive to anything with him now. I keep thinking that he has a lump on his side, but it doesn’t feel like anything when I probe at it. Does he have an internal edemic abscess? But he doesn’t care when I apply pressure to it. Should I take him in again and have that checked even though they are doing the blood tests. After tonight the vet is off until Friday, will four days make a difference? I don’t know what to do. Kirk left a message asking if we can bring him back in, but we haven’t had a response. The vet is probably gone for the day now.

He acts normal, I’m an emotional wreck. He eats dinner and hoovers down the treats. I didn’t eat my lunch, am nauseous and the dinner Kirk is cooking isn’t appealing to me tonight at all.

I feel so completely helpless.