Why are we so hard on ourselves? – Part 1

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In the fall I was approached by the coordinator of a mentoring program at UBC, in the Faculty I received my MSc and PhD from. In light of some distant and recent past events, it seemed out of place in my mind.

In the final years of myPhD I rocked the boat politically a bit, and I left feeling somewhat bitter about the actions of some people in the Faculty. A lot of negative things happened in those final couple of years, mostly due to our supervisor leaving for another institution and the decision of a few of us to remain and finish our programs where we were. It was challenging and we surmounted a number of obstacles that arose from politically motivated jostling at the bureaucratic levels. But we survived and finished successfully.

Fast forward ten years and the University did some reorganizing with its Distance Education Programs and I reacted strongly, sending a letter to my Faculty that the changes would see students being subjected to cookie-cutter educations as higher level specialty courses would see abandonment over financially based decisions. I figured I had nothing to lose as my courses were affected and I’d already assumed that they would be cut.

I was called in to the University to discuss my criticisms, and the discussion went anywhere but where I thought it would. They wanted to keep my courses, we negotiated a bit on their offerings, and I ended up leaving pleasantly surprised, particularly given that one of the individuals I was dealing with was also one of the individuals who had been using us as pawns in his political agenda back then. The two of us had ended up in a few stand-offs and I’d never backed down. I was pretty sure I’d left the impression of “difficult to manage” personality behind when I’d finished my degrees and mostly moved on. Distance Education courses are easy since you never really have to lock horns with the Faculty machine as you never have much to do with the system. I have no office at the University, I don’t go to Faculty meetings (even though I now get weekly updates and invitations, and daily notices about goings-on in the Faculty).

So when I was contacted by the coordinator of the Tri-Mentoring Program, and told that I’d been highly recommended by the very person who had so often been the source of the things that angered me and the object of more than one confrontation on my part, I was a bit surprised, I always assumed when I’d left that he’d been glad “the bitch” was gone. But he’d given me a glowing referral which dumbfounded me.

I mulled the request over, I already had so much on my plate, what did I possibly have to offer a couple of University students? I don’t work in a lab, I’m not a field scientist, I don’t even do research anymore. Sometimes I am so hard on myself because society seems to leave us with this feeling that because we trained for a certain thing, that if we don’t do it, we have somehow failed.

In the end I agreed to take it on. I’ve been involved in mentoring before, but that was back when I was a grad student, another life ago. One thing I always make time for is to give back to the University that gave me so many foundational opportunities and personal skills. Even if it was wrapped up in blood, sweat, and many, many tears.

The program is pretty cool.

The Mentees are a Junior student (first or second year) who is linked with a senior (third or fourth year) student, and the two are paired with someone working in a field of interest to them – the Mentor. The students are expected to have objectives and these are to be discussed during meetings between the triad.

I was a bit nervous at the start. We met a few times over coffee, they invited me out to UBC one evening for a weekly undergrad dinner. I asked what their objectives in the program were. One said she wanted to learn more about, and improve on, communication skills. The other said he wanted to learn about research opportunities. Hmmm, the first I could address easily, the second might be a bit more work, but since he was only first year, my encouragement would be more limited to helping him find volunteer and work-study opportunities on campus.

Then the fourth year student turned the question back on me. What were “my” objectives?

My answer was relatively simple – I remember what it was like to be a student and I was lucky to have made some valuable connections with grad students and researching professors at UBC, and they had given me opportunities and advice on navigating the waters of University, research, collaboration, etc. I wanted to give back to the system that gave me those opportunities and foster those same things, even if I wasn’t a research scientist or a full-professor. I thought to myself “Surely I have ‘something’ worthwhile to give”.

But that question frightened me a bit. Honestly, ‘what’ did I have to offer these kids besides encouragement?

We emailed back and forth, and both wanted to shadow me at work. That’s difficult since most of my time is office based, except in the fall when I spend a lot of time at hatcheries…but all of the facilities I am responsible for are a long way away – the closest for me is in Port Alberni. But there is one program I do help with that I could get them out to, so each of them found a day that they could come out to Cultus Lake with me and they helped out on the sockeye program there.

The program wrapped up yesterday and I assured them that I’d attend the event. As I drove out to UBC yesterday afternoon I was thinking that I wished I could have offered them more. Presumably the other Mentors work in labs, students were able to help them collect data and learn about research and science. I had my statement prepared for the coordinator – “Thank you for the opportunity, I wish I could have offered them more, I feel like I failed the premise. I wasn’t an appropriate person for the program, but I can suggest a friend who is working in a research program, and I’m sure she’d be so much better than me at this.”

I arrived and found my two students, and we chatted about everything from research and science, to some issues that I’d been facing in the hatcheries, to television shows and movies. There were probably 60 or more people there – Mentors and Mentees all deep in conversation – and eventually the event organizers shushed us all down to make a couple of announcements and thank everyone for their involvement.

They then moved on to make a small token award of appreciation to their “Mentor of the Year”. The coordinator read a short description of the involvement between the Mentees and the Mentor, telling us all how this particular Mentor had taken so much time from a busy schedule to meet with the students, had been great at communication and at forwarding papers that were encountered and which were thought to be of interest to the students based on conversations earlier. This Mentor had forwarded suggestions about workshops, provided advice on communicating with prospective supervisors, given advice on work-study programs, volunteering, writing, and other educational opportunities for gaining skills. She’d been motivational, encouraging, and enthusiastic.

I listened and thought, “Wow, I sucked at this so badly, whoever that is gave a lot of effort to these kids. I shouldn’t have taken this on, I just didn’t measure up at all.”

Then the coordinator said that this Mentor was an Alumni of the Faculty, and that she was a biologist with the Federal Salmon Enhancement Program and had even made the effort to introduce the students to working with the sockeye salmon program at Cultus Lake Research Lab, and had provided an opportunity for them to work – hands on – with the fish.

Hold crap! That was me!

And tragically, all I thought was “Wow, if I’m the best here, the rest of you must have REALLY sucked!”

Why, oh why are we so hard on ourselves?

One of my Mentees gave me a beautiful thank you card with a wonderful letter inside it, and the three of us chatted for awhile longer. They both cautiously asked if they could keep in contact with me…”OF COURSE!!”

In the end, when I drove home I was thinking that those students taught me a lot too.

Back when, we all look forward to and conceptualize how perfect “then” will be. Along the way we get beaten up, sidetracked, and certain things leave a bitterness behind. When we reach “then” it never looks like what we thought it would back “when”. But there is huge value in finding those past eyes again, because when you look at “then” from “when”…”now” is often better than you think.  Life never turns out how you think it will, but if everything went according to plan, how boring it would be. We’d miss all those opportunities for the growth that comes from the side trips, the detours, and from getting lost in the alternatives.

Remember how I said that society places pressures on us to follow certain paths. Sometimes I feel like I’ve failed that system, but then something jars me back and makes me realize that what I do now… it’s pretty cool, and definitely worthwhile.

I’m still going to suggest that other person as a great contact for mentoring, but maybe, just maybe I’ll do it again too.