December 2, 2012 – Long day, difficult day. Seems like they have all been difficult days for the better part of a month. This morning we dragged ourselves out of bed, did the laundry, cleaned the upstairs of the house, cleaned out most of the things in the fridge, packed up Mom’s computer, packed the truck, and then did one of the hardest tasks yet.
I had to walk out of the house, lock the door, and say goodbye. That was heart wrenching and tore me apart inside.
The good part about driving to Prince George and back is that there are nine hours on the road to try and sort through emotions, to think, to talk, to cry, to remember. And, unfortunately, to dwell on a few regrets.
Driving through Quesnel on the way home, we pulled over for a moment to take a shot. The scene seemed poignant to me.
The bad part about driving to Prince George and back is that the weather is unpredictable at this time of year. Although there are those who figure they can predict the weather if we are travelling. Those people say that if we are travelling, the weather will be bad. I’m not sure why, but they seem to be right too often.
The weather from Prince George to William’s Lake was nasty. It snowed, it blew, it was slippery in sections, and slushy in others. It was messy. From the top of the hill above William’s Lake to a few miles on the other side of town the temperature went from -6C to +5C. The mirrors and windows fogged up and the snow on the highway turned into a slurpee. It was strange.
Outside of William’s Lake, near 140 Mile House, there was a terrible accident that had the highway down to single lane alternating traffic. But it was in a snow free zone, so who knows what happened. The Fraser Canyon was filled with fog and pounding rain, and we didn’t make it through before dark since we left PG later than anticipated. That was unpleasant. But as soon as we descended into Hope and made the freeway, it just got better. Sure, the traffic increases once you get there, and the aggressive drivers are abundant, and everyone drives at warp factor 10. But it always feels good to make it through the Canyon.
Once home, we emptied the truck and I made a phone call back to Mom’s house. Kirsty answered the phone and that took some weight off. She has already moved in and there were no issues. I am so glad that Mom’s friend Heather suggested her, she is great and I am relaxing about the house a bit.
The trip was a bit of a roller coaster, both weather-wise and emotionally. And although I hated leaving, it is also good to be home and be “catted”. The critters missed us and have glued themselves to me. As I am trying to type this, Loki is prancing on my chest in bed. He’s been doing that for about a half hour and it makes typing difficult.
I couldn’t decide whether to go to work tomorrow or not, but in the end I figure I’ll go in. The alternative is to sit here at home and look at the boxes of photo albums and such that are in the living room right now. And that just wouldn’t go well I am sure. It will probably be better to find some distraction in work and try to be useful at the same time.
My heart is not as empty as this bench, but it is certainly missing a person. I think it will take a long time to recover from the loss, and there will be random moments that bring pain at completely inopportune moments. I think Mom provided enough personal strength in my genes to get through this, but it’s not going to be quick or easy. My head is warring with my heart. Everything fluctuates between clinical and emotional, rational and irrational. And it’s far from over. It’s going to be hard to go back in the Spring and scatter her remains out off the old cabin at the lake. But that was a happy place for her, and my brother and I agree that it is a place she would like to stay.
But that is in the future. Today is today, and tomorrow will be the next hurdle. One challenge at a time. Just breathe.
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