November 18, 2012 – Years ago my brother made a joking comment, it doesn’t seem so funny right now though. When my father started to fail, he took charge and encouraged him to move to the same town as he and his family. When things went very wrong, it was patently apparent that this had been a very good move and he has ensured that Dad has the best care possible and family visits him regularly. He sees family more now than he ever did before, and when he needs anything it is taken care of. At the same time, my brother jokingly said “Mom is your problem.” Mom has things in order and years ago and made certain I knew where important things were. I live 700km away, but I’ve always known what she expects of me, and I’ve always known I’d be there for her no matter what she needs or when she needs it.
I just didn’t think that day would come so unexpectedly. Or so brutally unkindly.
Mom has always feared cancer and dementia. She has been diligent in her mammograms, and reads and does puzzles like no one I know. Her memory is far better than my own. She has atrial fibrillation and has been managing her heart for years and I pay attention to her conditions since I also have arrhythmia, but she is active and healthy.
So when she was suddenly struck down by a stroke ten days ago, it was a complete and utter shock. As my brother said, “it was a lighting bolt.”
The last ten days have been hell for me, I can’t begin to imagine what they have been for her. She is a strong, incredibly caring person who wants nothing but the best for everyone she knows. She is fiercely independent and doesn’t like weaknesses of any kind. We haven’t always seen eye to eye, and we certainly debate things, but I love her so deeply. And it breaks my heart to see her knocked down.
The neurologist stopped in this morning and gave us the results of her latest CT scan, and it was finally some good news. There was no further haemorrhaging and there was a slight improvement in the disspation of blood that had leaked from the blood vessels her brain. That means that she can get onto some blood thinners, weak ones, in the next few days. She can’t yet have anti-coagulants, which would help break up the clot in her leg, but as she starts to get some physiotherapy, her own anticoagulants should start to work and start to break things up. She’s not out of the woods by any stretch, but things are looking up.
My aunt is staying for at least a week, and that gives me some peace about heading home for a bit. My brother and sister in law are taking her dog home to stay with them until she can come home. She has some incredible friends who are already setting up their schedules to each spend time every day with her. and we’ve set her up with a telephone until she leaves the internal medicine ward. I’ll be back up every other weekend as long as I am needed and I am hopeful that when come back next she will be in the rehabilitation centre.
I do wish she would get a bit hungrier and eat more, but obviously I would have made a terrible mother as when I tried to encourage her to eat she just told me to leave her alone. Stubborn woman. And I am fully aware that I take after her in so many ways.
I have asked the nurses to contact a social worker to speak with her, not about anything I particular, but just to talk to her and provide an ear that is not family or friend, someone not pushy or peddling false hopes based on irrational faith, someone she could potentially say things to that she can’t say to us. Someone that maybe she can expose her fears to and who can help her find a path through them. She will probably be angry with me for doing so, she is proud, like me, and she said at the outset when asked by a doctor if she wanted someone to speak with, a resounding NO! But I think maybe it might help. I am so worried about here becoming depressed and losing willpower. As I said I am her daughter and I know that I would have difficulty getting back up from such a blow. But she is tougher than I am in most aspects. And a counsellor will be better equipped to know how to approach the discussion and how to address the needs of someone suffering the grief of being a victim of something so cruel. Someone properly trained and formally educated in helping people work through trauma and finding realistic goals to work towards, and mechanisms for doing so.
So, with a great deal of anxiety and a very heavy heart, I am temporarily exiting Prince George and on my way home to Vancouver. The only thing that enabled me to leave was the knowledge that her sister is with her. And added to that is the fact that I am grateful that they both buried their issues and put away past hurts and have come back into each other’s lives. I am not happy about how and why it happened, but I am glad it did, and I am glad to have been able to help. They have such history together, and laugh so much together when things are good. Mom didn’t have anything to laugh about until Ilene arrived, and within minutes of her arrival there was a lift in the room, and laughter from Mom. They say that laughter is the best medicine, and I know that there is nothing that cleanses my emotions so much as a good laugh. I hope that they can laugh together the next week or so.
I don’t know what else to write. She is there, I am on the plane on my way home, she is improving slowly and she has a long hard road ahead. But if anyone can walk that road and find the way to the end, it will be her.
And now my task is to find a way to be strong for her and help her in any way I can. I am more emotional than the rest of my immediate family combined, and it is a handicap, so that will be my struggle. However, it’s definitely easier than the one she faces currently.
Love you Mom. I’ll be back very soon.
It sucks being so far away.
(About the photo: My favourite seat on any plane, the emergency exit. Extra legroom. Even better when one gets the entire front row of the plane to oneself. Makes it easier when you just want some quiet time to digest the past ten days and think about the return trip in less than two weeks.)
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