Entertaining column in the Vancouver Sun this morning…..
‘Sinners, you have four days until Judgment Day. Are you prepared?’
OPINION – BY PETE MCMARTIN, VANCOUVER SUN – MAY 17, 2011 6:15 AM“End is nigh come May 21, billboard campaign proclaims” — Vancouver Sun headline of May 5 story on U.S. evangelist Harold Camping’s prophecy predicting Judgment Day for May 21.
Memo to the Godless Masses:
As you may have heard, Judgment Day has been scheduled for May 21. This is not — we repeat, NOT — the End of The World. The End of The World has been scheduled for Oct. 21, five months later, when the Earth will be destroyed by gigantic earthquakes or by fire — details are still being worked out.
So relax. You still have plenty of time to contemplate your soul burning in hell for eternity.
This is not to downplay the importance of May 21. May 21 is, in fact, a red-letter day, by which we mean the letter will probably be written in blood.
It is on that day that Jesus Christ will return to Earth to begin the Rapture, which, for you, anyway, is not as pleasant as it sounds.
First of all, the day will start with the requisite wailing and keening, some fire and brimstone, avenging angels, etc. Then there will be some rising up of the dead into the Kingdom of God. (Note: This does not include zombies. We mean the righteous dead.) Then, a select few of the righteous living will also rise up, which we estimate to number in the low thousands, including us. So don’t hold your breath. You have a better chance of getting into Harvard Law School.
Yes, we understand your questioning this. We can hear you right now. You doubt the prophecy. But then, that’s what apostates do, isn’t it? You’re saying, How can these religious “fanatics” know “exactly” when the “Rapture” will “happen?” (And would you please stop making those “quote” signs with your fingers? It’s annoying.)
Well, we know it through the close reading of the Good Book, in which we have made many margin notations written in capital letters followed by exclamation marks, SUCH AS THIS!!! and THIS!!! and HOW ABOUT THIS, HUH!!!
And from that close reading, we have determined to the day the exact arrival of the Rapture and The End of The World by calculating, mathematically, the difference between the year God made Adam and Eve and their dinosaurs and the year of The Flood — which you, too, would have been able to do if you had not skipped out of math class to smoke marijuana in the student parking lot, sinner.
And what are the signs that the Rapture and The End of The World is upon us?
There are many. You just have to know what to look for.
They include:
- Increased volcanic activity.
- Increased earthquake activity.
- A plague of locusts (well, way more white fly than last year).
- A plague of bills to my mailbox marked “Last Notification.”
- The Kardashian sisters.
So, given that your soul is going to hell and — we can’t say this enough — ours isn’t, you are probably asking, What can I do to avoid this unpleasant turn of events?
And the answer is:
Nothing. You’re going to hell. It’s a little late in the day to go all repentant on us now, because while you were out fornicating and drinking and doing drugs all those years, we were at home on a Friday night praying to save your soul, or barring that, that your soul would go to hell. Well, guess what? One of those things is about to come true.
In the meantime, here’s a few tips to prepare yourself for the Day of Judgment and The End of The World.
1. Put some sneakers underneath your bed. If the End of The World arrives while you’re asleep, you can expect some window breakage. Sure, your soul’s going to hell, but there’s no need for you to walk barefoot over broken glass to get there.
2. Sunscreen. You’re going to hell. It can’t hurt.
3. Fight the urge to sin in your remaining time on Earth. Murder? Profligacy? Peeing in the staff coffee pot while nobody’s looking? Please, who are you kidding? Sure, you’re going to hell, but you’re also the assistant coach for your kid’s soccer team. And that cute divorcee down the street you always daydreamed about having an affair with? She meant it when she said she would rather burn in hell than sleep with you. She still means it.
4. Tell those closest to you exactly how you feel about them. Clear the air. This is a time of reckoning, this is a time to be honest with each other. We suggest you exercise some discretion in this, however: We would not, for example, advise you to tell your boss exactly how you feel about them, given the very slight possibility that our prophecy might be out a few days, give or take a millennium, and then you really would be in hell.
pmcmartin@vancouversun.com