When the Past and the Present Collide

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Have you ever have one of those moments where you aren’t sure if you wish you could turn back time… but then you look around and think…maybe I already did…but how did those people get here then?

I’m in Prince George right now, and it was a surreal evening. For 15 years of my life I lived and breathed fish research at UBC. When it ended I had a job at another institution ad after two years everything went horribly wrong and I fell into a truly deep dark hole that in some ways I am still pulling myself out of. Today my former supervisor became the fourth president of the University of Northern British Columbia. Yesterday my best friend’s father was memorialized. On Facebook I said I was in PG with a cold. One person said “Have fun at George’s celebration” Another said “Give Marne a hug”. They probably wondered what the other meant. If you asked me why I was here, I would say…number one, for a friend, number two, for a family member, number three, for a bit of pomp and circumstance.

It strikes me as rather odd that the easier thing to face was the funeral. It had nothing to do with me, I was there to support someone I love, a friend and that supersedes pretty much anything else I can think of. Even if I wasn’t here for the pomp and circumstance, I probably would have found my way here to give my best friend a hug, even if that was all I could offer… actually, that pretty much was about all I could offer. What else do you offer when someone loses a parent. It’s not one of those things you ever hope someone else goes first on. I have been fighting a cold since the holiday weekend, one that keeps me awake coughing all night, and it was the most horrible drive I’ve had to do on my own. I could have come up a day later, but then I’d not have been here to give the family a hug. Was it that important? I think so. So I drove until I couldn’t and then I’d stop and close my eyes for ten minutes before heading on again.

So reason number two for being here is my Mother. It was her birthday last month (we won’t say what number because even though I know she would never read this…well…one never knows and I’d be exiled to the depths of a place I don’t believe in for a very long time if I mentioned a number), and I had a new computer for her, a brand new Mac Mini! Didn’t want to ship it up to her since she has some bad JuJu when it comes to all things electronic….and this proved to be no different… but that’s a story for another day.

The third and final reason, and ironically the catalyst for the visit… was the installation of the new UNBC President. Also known as the Big Kahuna in certain (small, i.e our former lab) circles. My former thesis supervisor. I’m rather proud of him, think it’s rather cool that he’s the new “my” in my old home town. This celebration also had nothing to do with me, but at the same time it did.

Because the hard part is that several year distance I have had from academic society… and the knowledge that if I came here, I would need to face some demons. Potentially some I really didn’t want to face.

I was almost late for the ceremony. Maybe it was defensive, but then again, just being with my Mom will usually make you late for something. On some levels I didn’t want to see…and I didn’t want to be seen I just wanted to back in a moment of George. It sounds strange, but if you had spent time with the man, you’d understand. And as I was there I saw a mop of hair a few rows ahead. I thought “I know that mop” and sure enough, there was my old mathematical guru Rob, the guy who would see me with my fists balled up in my hair trying to figure out how to convert some molar solution of saline solution into milli-molar and would solve it without the blink of an eye, or who would see me walking down the hall holding a cloudy bottle of liquid in my hand with a puzzled expression on my face and would utter such such nuggets as “autoclaved your phosphate buffer, eh?” and I would stare at him in utter shock and nod…..

I wondered who else had come to the installation and was truly terrified who I would have to say ” no, not a university professor…” to. Who would I have to explain my life of failure to. What former lab-mate now lauded academic would have to see what poor pathetic Paige had become.

And then George walked into the auditorium. How can one man inspire you. How can a simple lift of an eyebrow make you want to impress, make you cringe for fear of disappointing? Maybe it was 15 years of living with those eyebrows. But I have to admit, I don’t think many eyebrows could have looked that distinguished with eagle down stuck to them after a First Nations Ceremony 😉

At the end of the ceremony I was feeling better, only one head of hair that looked vaguely familiar, maybe no one else made the trek, maybe I was the only one since I am from here. As the procession receded from the room I turned and a familiar face was two rows behind me. “Mark!” Not a former lab-mate, but a former UBC “fishy-type”. Between us was a woman who cried out “PAIGE!” An old friend from high school, Colleen!

Somehow it made it easier to be caught first by a friend from home, someone who wouldn’t judge me by my accomplishments, or lack thereof. And vice-versa.

As we chatted in the hallway a tap on the shoulder, Rob. A hug, no judgements, just happiness at seeing each other. Someone I had expected to see. His family is also from the North. Then another tap, and a hug, Darren. Definitely someone I had not expected to see…and someone who had caught wind that I had slipped into our old dojo to say hello…a nudge…” You are welcome to come back, we’d love to have you again…”

Out to the foyer and there was the new President in his fancy new robes, hand shakes and congratulations, my turn, no handshakes, just a very long hug, In yet another way i felt I had come home.

Then the boys. The first to see me…Oh damn, which one are you….I need to see Sami as a reference…there he is…you’re Daniel! How did you get so suave…and Sami! How did you become taller than me!?!? He says to his little cousin…. “This is Paige, she used to look after me when I was smaller than you” I respond with “You just wouldn’t go away!”

Then the eldest son, again, a call from across the room and a hug, so good to see you, it’s been too long. It was like being wrapped in a warm familiar blanket, one that I knew I had missed, but I didn’t know how much. How is it that a family that had no ties to my home town could welcome me home like no one ever had before.

I skipped the reception to get my Mom’s compute back online and arrived just before dinner, there was one person I hadn’t yet seen who was supposed to be here, one person I have dreaded seeing for four years, and yet have missed so terribly. I didn’t see him, a slide show started, photos, a shot of the lab, George called out “Johnny” and I looked to the other side of the room…there he was, my old mentor, my friend, someone I hadn’t spoken with since that day on Vancouver Island, and I never knew why…. and with him was Ellen, someone I had earlier said I wished I could see again, but didn’t dream would be here…. I made my way over to them and all Ellen said was “The real Iwamites are here”

Ellen says to me.. “Shannon?”

“Years” I say.

“I warned you….”

I know, but I trust in people… you know that….

“She used you, didn’t she…?”

Yes…

I’ll never learn though, because I always trust in the inherent good of people…. like the fellow in the parking lot earlier today (when we were both late for the same event) who not only helped me rescue my credit card (using a pair of pliers) from a belligerent parking meter…but then ran back to his own vehicle for some coins and paid for my parking because I had no change purse with me…. (thank you yet again kind plier bearing, coin giving, person of the parking lot….).

And like a true batch of Iwamites, we few closed the party down at Winstons and settled in at the lounge.

I thought I’d be home early, I wasn’t. For all the memories and pain dredged up, I’m glad I came to Prince George.

I came for a friend, I came for family, I came for a colleague. I left realizing…they are all family. And family has its ups and downs. Enough said.

On the day I went away… goodbye…
Was all I had to say… now I…
I want to come again and stay… Oh my my…
Smile, and that will mean that I may

Cause I’ve seen blue skies, through the tears
In my eyes
And I realise.. I’m going home.

Everywhere it’s been the same… feeling…
Like I’m outside in the rain… wheeling…
Free, to try and find a game… dealing…
Cards for sorrow, cards for pain

Cause I’ve seen blue skies through the tears
In my eyes
And I realise.. I’m going home.

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