I have a friend, or at least I used to, who has been behaving rather badly lately. I can’t completely figure out where it stemmed from, I have a suspicion, but I may be wrong about it. Actually, I think it a number of things that stem from the fact that I don’t generally let people manipulate me. But I’m trying to understand the behaviour a bit better. I recognize the signs since I’ve observed her do the same to two others since I’ve known her. Smile to their face, snipe behind their back. There is a body language of dislike and aversion underlying an outward appearing friendliness that I would never have recognized if I hadn’t watched it played out on those others. And yet it is so familiar, something I watched former co-workers do routinely when I was in the hairdressing industry. One face outward, another, completely different face and personality on the other side. It’s a bit of a defence mechanism…never let anyone see the real you or let them know what you really think.
There is an element of a need to manipulate and control the world, and the people in it. But it’s couched in a passivity while there is a degree of undermining behind the scenes. Undermine those who oppose you, but smile to their face and deny everything if confronted. It’s the passive aggressive personality, and it is a frustrating personality trait to deal with.
I did a little research on passive aggression and came up with the following.
Passive Aggressive Behaviour Defined:
Passive Aggressive behaviour is a form of covert abuse. When someone hits you or yells at you, you know that you’ve been abused. It is obvious and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, at times loving and caring. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse.
Passive aggressive behaviour stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy and seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behaviour. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or, are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behaviour.
(So I now understand why confrontation did not work when I tried it)
Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:
Ambiguity: I think of the proverb, “Actions speak louder than words” when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don’t act until after they’ve caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.
(Check!)
Forgetfulness: The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by “forgetting.” How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.
(Yes, I’ve been a victim of that one recently)
Blaming: They are never responsible for their actions. If you aren’t to blame then it is something that happened at work, the traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience store. The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults.
(Again, check!)
Lack of Anger: He/she may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.
(So much is being explained here!)
Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. “Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn’t depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support.”
Fear of Intimacy: The passive aggressive often can’t trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone.
Obstructionism: Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don’t get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.
Victimization: The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly. If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they take offence because; in their mind, it was someone else’s fault that they were late. He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.
Procrastination: The passive aggressive person believes that deadlines are for everyone but them. They do things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from them.
(Check, she just played this game on me last night.)
The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical.
The passive aggressive will say one thing, do another, and then deny ever saying the first thing. They don’t communicate their needs and wishes in a clear manner, expecting you to read their mind and meet their needs. The passive aggressive withholds information about how he/she feels, their ego is fragile and can’t take the slightest criticism so why let you know what they are thinking or feeling? God forbid they disclose that information and you criticize them.
Confronting the Passive Aggressive:
Beware, if you confront the passive aggressive he/she will most likely sulk, give you the silent treatment or completely walk away leaving you standing there to deal with the problem alone. There are two reasons for confronting the passive aggressive. One, if done correctly you may be able to help him/her gain insight into the negative consequences of their behaviors. Two, even if that doesn’t happen, it will at least give you the opportunity to talk to him/her in a frank way about how his/her behavior affects you. If nothing else you can get a few things “off your chest.”
Inside the Passive Aggressive:
The passive aggressive has a real desire to connect with you emotionally but their fear of such a connection causes them to be obstructive and engage in self-destructive habits. He/she will be covert in their actions and it will only move him/her further from his/her desired relationship with you.
The passive aggressive never looks internally and examines their role in a relationship problem. They have to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. To accept that he/she has flaws would be tantamount to emotional self-destruction. They live in denial of their self-destructive behaviours, the consequences of those behaviours and the choices they make that cause others so much pain.
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Fascinating, because this has happened to me over the past few months and I’ve been bewildered by it all. I tried to confront it and was brushed off with denials and then again more recently and for a month now have received silence, and I was most recently the victim of a contrived moment of forgetfulness so clearly defined to say “I don’t care about you at all…” More recently I have a project to complete and she has neglected to send me her component. So, I completed it on my own, but at the last minute she sent it over (see procrastination above).
I suppose I’ll never completely understand what caused things to go sideways, but it’s tough when other people are caught in the crossfire and it’s hard friends come and ask you why you aren’t coming around anymore. I waffle around and try to avoid the real reason because I don’t want to say anything that alters their perceptions, I don’t want to play games, I just wanted to slip out and let things go in a direction that apparently they are being manipulated to go. I don’t want to play elementary school games and I don’t want to say negative things about someone who isn’t there to defend herself. There are a number of people who recognize what she is doing (patently apparent from all the discussion last term…seemed like every time we sat down at the pub someone brought up the fact that she was tearing things apart, it’s part of what drove me out of the fray….I could never sit down and think we’d have a night that it wouldn’t be brought up) and sadly it has driven a greater number of people away than I had realized. I was only one of several who has decided to take the term off due to the uncomfortable rift that has occurred when she divided things so solidy. What is heartening is when those same friends tell you that the friendships are why they come out and that you are a major component of that. But it hurts too, since something so much a part of your life has been tattered by the antics of one personality.
What I am happy about is that I finally understand her a bit more. I’m still hurt that she turned her bitter attention on me this way, but I also feel a bit sorry for her since she doesn’t know how to deal with issues in an adult manner by this stage of the game.